This Two Shall Pass

I have become a facebook addict, which has distracted me from writing on this blog. Facebook is just so darn easy and low maintainance to keep up with everyone and to post photos, and I have of course become addicted to the games on it, from playing Scrabble against my friends there to the many, many other games. I have always loved video games.

(Picture 1: Will while he was sick, holding the vacuum hose. He went through a little phase where the vacuum was his best friend.)

Will is two! His birthday was a success, although dampened by both me and him being sick. Just a few days before his birthday he woke up in the night with croup. I hauled him into the doctor, expecting to be patted on the head and told that these things just work themselves out, but apparently croup is nothing to mess with. The doctor perscribed a high dose of steroids to give him twice a day and tiny dose of an adult cough suppressant. I was surprised and dismayed to be giving Will drugs, which I have never done before outside of Tylenol. But you do what the doctor tells you, of course.

Will's response to the drugs was insane. His pupils got huge and he set out on a path of destruction that had me wondering whether it was the drugs or turning two. He was just always in trouble, going from one thing he wasn't supposed to be into to another. He was constantly in time out. He started taking off his clothes during naps and at night and peeing/pooping in his bed. I tried a number of things to keep his diaper on, and finally resorted to sewing his zipper to the top of his pajamas so he couldn't lower it. He stopped sleeping during the day, though he did pretty well at night once he finally conked out. He became obsessed with the vaporizer. His first and last words of the day were usually, "I touch the vaporizer? No, is hot. Is burn you. I kiss the vaporizer? No."

I was bewildered and exhausted by this new version of my child. He could make me feel completely undone. I took him to music class when he was no longer contagious. This is a fun little gathering of toddlers where we sing songs and play instruments. Will usually loves this class, but this time I could not get him to sit down in the circle. It was simply impossible. He went straight for the door to get out and would not be persuaded. It was really the first time that I actually had to leave a function because my child would not cooperate, and I was embarrassed, and on top of that I felt guilty, GUILTY, because I was embarrassed for myself and mad at him for putting me in that position.

(Picture 2: Will on Valentine's Day)

The effect of the drugs lasted much longer than his illness, which only really lasted a few days. But after about two weeks, thank the Lord, it was like a switch was flipped and Will went back to his normal routines and behavior.

The whole ordeal forced me to see myself in such a different light. It's funny that when I was pregnant with Will I wanted him to be a boy. I would have been okay with a girl but I really wanted a boy. Part of it, which you can actually read about on this blog from that time, was that I assumed that a girl would be like me: willful, independent, difficult. I also assumed that a boy would be like my brother: sweet, mellow, eager to please. Why I believed this I have no idea. What a shock then, to find that Will is like me. John and I joke that if we wanted an easy kid, we shouldn't have named him WILL. But I have to also remember, in this struggle of wills, that those qualities of character that make Will dificult at times are also going to be assets to him as an adult, as those same characteristics are to me. So I must take care not to crush those things out of him in my attempt to feel in control of the situation.

All that said, I want to also be sure to document this time with Will as hilarious and fun. He is so smart and quick and funny. It's been a hard month, sure, but also a good one. I love the person that he is, so thoughtful and curious and full of wonder. If he thinks it's cold, he will go get his blankie and put it on my lap. He also says thank you for every little thing I do for him, and I can see that he loves me, that I am the most important person to him. That is so good for me, and the other stuff, the difficult stuff, is good for me too.

(Picture 3: Will and my mom waking up)

Gingerbread Boy

I am trying to do more to engage Will in my everyday work. He gets so bored during these colder (I realize this is all relative to California, the definition of cold being 40-50 degrees) windy days where we stay indoors most of the day. And bored equals fussy, and fussy equals very tense Mommy. It shows me what a high premium I must place on control, when a few tantums can leave me feeling so off balance. So often it feels like he and are and just struggling with each other all day. Will is either bored and fussy or actively seeking out trouble; he no longer seems content to simply play. Recently he has begun to drag our kitchen chairs all over the house to use as a step ladder to the objects that most intrigue him--namely, the cords for the blinds, the controlls to the air conditioner, and the kitchen counter and its wonders. It's really put my babyproofing skills to the test. We have been using time-outs with him, which work, to a large extent, except for those times where he seems to want to go into time-out. This is the time, I realize now, when I used to watch my friends, who during babyhood had seemed like thoughtful and steady parents, and shake my head. So easy to think that I could do better, when my time came. And all my friends who had toddlers are now thoughtful and steady parents again, now that their children are past that stage.

So I am practicing patience and letting Will help me wash dishes and put his socks in the drawer and carry clothes to the washing machine. He truly lights up when I allow him to do any of that kind of thing, making me wonder why I didn't let him help me sooner--I suppose it was just easier for me to keep him out of the way and do it myself quickly so I could get back to him.

I want to make Christmas cookies this week, so I thought I would try it out to see if Will could handle helping me with that. Yesterday we made gingerbread men together. I let Will pour things into the mixer and held him tightly when we turned it on to assure him that it was not too SCAY-WE. He helped me pat the dough, and when I had rolled it out, he pressed down the little cutout to make the gingerbread boys. He fetched my potholder when it was time to get the cookies out of the oven, and sprinkled (some would say dumped, as you can see from the photo) the cookies when they were done. And it was so special.

Of course I was still trying to control things. There was a lot of "No, Will, don't....." and "stay back for a minute" in the whole process. But overall it was fun, and we proudly showed the cookies to John at dinnertime, and watched him eat one.

John is getting better day by day, up and around more and more. He is still having a lot of trouble sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time, mostly because he is used to sleeping on his side and still can't do that. He is not allowed to lift Will, which has been hard for us both-for him because he wants to play with and hold his little boy and for me because that means I am fully responsible for every single moment with Will. Before all of this, I was getting up every morning to go to the gym before Will woke up, and I had lost about ten pounds. Now I am homebound and emotionally hungry, and I have probably gained fifteen pounds over the past month. But it is, I keep reminding myself, temporary. John will be on his feet again soon and we will get into a routine that works for both of us and the weight will come off again and all will be well. I am just grateful to still have my husband. I shudder to think about that day when we took him to the emergency room and how he might not have made it through the night if we hadn't gone in, so bad was the infection.

In the meantime, there are the little things that make me happy. I bought us some Christmas sheets this year, red flannel with snowmen on it, and it is the comfiest, merriest bed ever-- I just love snuggling in to sleep. I burn a Yankee Christmas Cookie candle in the bedroom, let the air fill with the scent of vanilla and sugar, and then burrow down in the red flannel and konk out. I sent out the yearly Christmas cards, which I always find great fun. I tape up all the cards we receive on a particular door in our apartment and show them to Will over and over again. My mom recently found me a sewing machine, so I am thinking about the best way to go about learning to use it. I also want to learn to knit this winter. I love to crochet but I have found it has its limitations, and there are some cute hats that I want to make for Will. And next week, for Christmas dinner, my friend Robin is coming with her family. I am so looking forward to having some company!

Happy Halloween!

Make a Smilebox postcard

Tractor Days

Will at Underwood Family Farms

So lately my salvation has come in the way of a farm. Every week I take Will to Underwood Family Farms, which is this large working farm about 15 minutes from home. On weekdays, it costs $3 to get in, and it is like a wonderful for Will right now. there are tractors, which he loves. Every farm animal you could think of. Pony rides. A corn maze. A huge stack of hay to climb up and then be helped down from. Pig races. A tricycle obstacle course. And much more. Of course, Will is still too small for a lot of these things, but just watching has been great.

Will in Mommy's hat

The best part, I think, is the Kid's Coral. It is a play area enclosed entirely by a goat fence (you can see a bit of this in the picture above) complete with a heavy gate. Inside there is a covered sand box with very fine, clean sand. There are a number of kiddie play places with slides and things to climb on. There is a tractor tricycle. And there is a large (but kid-sized) wooden bus. In this place, I can let Will wander freely. At our regular parks lately, Will gets bored quickly and then he is off to the parking lot or running for the street. He always seems to be intent on going where he is not supposed to be. And my park time with him is spent constantly chasing him, syaing, "No, Will, don't...." "Let's go over HERE...." "Get away from...." It's no fun for either of us. So this new place, completely enclosed, has been so relaxing for me. I can't even tell you. I can just sit on a bench in the shade and watch him play, and occasionally help him in his bigger endeavors like getting up into the driver's seat of that bus!

John and Will at the tractor parade

This Sunday I took John there with us for the first time. They were having an antique tractor parade. Will was actually a little intimidated by the parade--he would rather have watched them while they were safely parked. But all in all, it was a fun time. I keep having little discoveries, now that I have the car. New places to go, new little things to do with Will. Finally, at long last, we are having adventures together.

Beach Baby

On Friday John and I took Will to the beach at Malibu, which we have not done since December of last year. It was a lovely, sunny day. As we were carrying Will over the sand toward the water, he suddenly caught sight of the ocean and exclaimed, "Woah! BIG pool!" which I'm still giggling over. At first he was fearful of the water and then I (perhaps foolishly, I think now, looking back) urged him closer and closer, until at the end I had to literally restrain him from rushing into the waves and the lifeguard was staring at us concernedly from his post. I just had to keep my hands on him at all times.


We also fed graham crackers to seagulls. I held Will in my arms and the gulls hovered over us and caught the pieces out of the air as I threw them. Miraculously we did not get pooped on. If I gave a cracker to Will to throw he quickly stuffed it in his mouth instead.

Living in this area has a surreal quality sometimes. Pepperdine was trying to find a tutor for Will Smith's son a little while ago. John is in a men's Bible study class with Ken Starr. We saw another Pepperdine student buying a house for 2.9 million dollars on the Bravo show Million Dollar Listing. Malibu is full of large black SUVs with tinted windows. You never know, driving around here, who you might run into.

I am teaching a class at Pepperdine now, which is going well. I have never seen such a tan group of students in all my life, but for the most part I find them bright and engaging. It feels so good to be in front of a class again; I find myself looking forward to it all week. Will is going to a little daycare nearby on Wednesday afternoons while I teach and Friday mornings. Since we got the second car, the world has opened up to Will and me. I have been exploring all of the area parks and taking Will to toddler events. I signed up for a MOPS group, and a toddler music class that will begin in October.

Phew!

Sorry I've been away from this blog for so long. It has been a CRAZY summer. I am still working on the video for our Italy trip, but for now I will load the video I made of our spring and summer, to try to get you all caught up. As for now, the big news this month is that we got a second car, which is unbelievably good for me. I am free now to take Will all over the place, baby classes and cool parks and kiddy time at the library! I am also teaching a class at Pepperdine, which has been great. So far this year is looking way up from last year.

I will post again soon, give more details. Promise.

Here's the video (there is no music to this one because there are so many cute VIDEOS within this that I thought you'd like to hear the audio for):

Buongiono

Well, right this moment I am sitting in the computer lab in the Peppedine villa in Florence, Italy, having walked so much in the last 3 days that my calves feel like they are going to snap off my bones any minute, my belly so full of pasta I honestly don't know how I am going to climb the 4 flights of stairs to the little dorm room where John and I are bunked this week, squinting at the screen hoping I get this right because the website's directions are inexplicably in Italian! And I am having a wonderful time.

I have been in Florence once before, almost 10 years ago. Our little group stopped here for 4 hours to see Michelangelo's David and the church where Galileo and Michelangelo are buried. I cannot believe how much else there is to see here, and do, and eat! Today we took a side trip to a little town in Tuscany called San Gimignano, which was beautiful. It was a small town that overlooked the Italian countryside, all patches of vineyards and green fields and trees. And the church had the most spectacular frescoes. Check out this site to see what I am talking about. http://www.sangimignano.com/sstoriai.htm

I am missing Will fiercely by now, which is partly because I have been away from him for a few days now, and it feels WRONG to be away from him, and partly because there were oodles of little Italian babies all over that town today. But my mom and Jack report that he is doing very well and keeping them on their toes, and I will be home again on Sunday.

I will have a lot of pictures to share then. But for now, ciao!